Dazed and Confused

I ran into my rebound guy today. We had lunch, we catched up, we hugged big. It was very pleasant and friendly and it was honestly great to see him. But it left me kind of confused. All these weird emotions resurfaced that I hadn't even realized I had towards him. It was part happiness, part nostalgia, part adolescent admiration, part regret I had let him go before I let anything serious happen between us. And here I was, all this time thinking I could have a meaningless fling with a good old friend that would not leave me emotionally attached. Something that would just make me feel better about myself for a bit and forget all the shit I had been through the past couple of years. A fleeting moment of uncomplicated joy and happiness in someone's arms I knew took me for who I was. No history, no future, nothing extra, just me.

At the time I thought this is what adults do. That they can loose themselves for a moment. Reboot. And move on. And how wrong I was! Either I'm not yet as grown-up as I had thought or it just doesn't work that way. You just can't share your innermost self with someone, bare your soul to him and then walk away as if nothing has happened. At least I can't. I guess it's a good thing. I've learned today that I'm not cold and heartless. I'm an emotional, feeling, warm and fragile human being. So what if I'm not all that mature and modern, unattached and independent. I'd rather be like this, getting attached to people I shouldn't and feeling things that are not rational and proportionate to the circumstances.

At least this way I know I'm alive. And that my heart still works. I still have a chance to really love someone. To really be happy. Someday.

He is a sweet guy. His voice is beautiful. I allow myself this one sleepless night. A beautiful spring night filled with sweet, girlish daydreams. And tomorrow I'll laugh at my silly romanticism and once again move on with my life.